Tilt/shift

Nothing very bad has ever happened to me.

I have never been raped or suffered a serious sexual assault. I’ve never been with a guy who didn’t stop when I indicated that we’d reached the point of no passing. I have had two small experiences – once a guy jumped up behind me and copped a feel over my shoulder; another time a man put his hand on my thigh in the bus, one finger edging weirdly close to my crotch.

I was 20 for the first one, in my late 20s for the second. I acted as you might expect – the first time I was scared, I yelled and proceeded quickly to a more populous area, spoke to a supermarket’s security guard, went straight home; the second time, I shifted uncomfortably, not sure if he realised what he was doing, afraid to embarrass him if it was an accident (of course it wasn’t an accident) until finally I shifted drastically enough in my seat that his hand removed itself. I blamed myself the first time: for listening to my walkman, for taking the quieter route, for wearing leggings, for being oblivious. The second time I knew better. I was just a female on a bus. No more, no less.

When something like that – or something else un-good – happens, I have noticed that my worldview tilts. For a while, I see things from the dark side. I expect everything to end badly: every trip to be a harbinger of disaster, every stranger to be a dangerous foe, every phone call to herald terrible news. I cannot see the way out of this tunnel, because it doesn’t feel like a tunnel, it feels like a heavy blanket laid over me. It’s the way I feel if I think too hard about climate change.

Usually, this rights itself after a few days, a week. My world pops back to where it usually is, buoyant, upright. People are mostly good, things mostly turn out ok, I am usually lucky. I am in control of my destiny again.

And then I think how long it would take for my worldview to shift back if something really bad happened to me, and I wonder if it ever would. I think that’s probably, maybe, how depression feels. I think it wouldn’t take much to nudge me over there.

I have immense admiration for survivors. #Ibelieveher

 

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Not offended

On NPR the other day they were talking about the recent sexual harassment revelations – no shit sherlock, it’s been going on this whole time, hands up if you’re surprised – and an older gent rang in to say, in coded terms, that he thought it was all a bit of an overreaction. “If I’ve ever… offended anyone… I obviously didn’t intend to,” he said, looking for some sympathy for his plight, poor fellow.

“It’s not about OFFENDING someone,” I shouted at the radio. “Women are not delicate snowflakes with no sense of humour, which is obviously what you’re thinking, you blithering old fart.”

Let me repeat that. It’s not about being offended.

It’s about power. It’s about wielding your power over a person who has less, or none. It’s about waving your power in her face, shoving your power down her throat, maybe literally, because you know you can do that and she can’t stop you. We are not offended by the sight of your unsolicited dick pics. We are not offended by your hilarious jokes about sex in a professional setting. We are not offended by the catcalls and the conversations aimed at our cleavage and the boys’ club atmosphere. We may be variously disgusted, horrified, repulsed, nauseated, and very very weary of it all – but that’s on a good day.

(Please note: We are not, ever, turned on.)

On a bad day, we are scared. We feel threatened and made insignificant. We have our power taken from us, our power as individuals, our autonomy over our selves. We become things, vessels, objects that can be done to as someone else wishes, just because that person is stronger, is in a position where they can do what they want without worrying about repercussions, doesn’t give a shit about human decency, has lost sight of the fact that his mama taught him better than that.

Maybe his daddy didn’t.

On every day when this is in the news and people are surprised, shocked, astounded – we are angry. We are angry and incredulous at your shock and we are not very surprised. It’s anything but surprising, really, all this news, except for the fact that it counts as news. Which is, perhaps, surprising and a little encouraging.

Onwards.