What I want is to choose to dye my hair or not dye my hair. I want to wear clothes that are comfortable and cozy and look nice enough to make me feel good when I look in the mirror. I want to wear lipstick and mascara and dangly earrings when I feel like it and go to the supermarket with nothing but moisturizer on my face if I don’t. I want to be physically strong and flexible and maybe even fit. I want to not have to wonder when or if I should start tinting my eyebrows because I only just discovered that’s what people do, when people = women of a certain age.
I want to write and stay off Facebook enough to get this book done. And then finish the other one and write the other one and work on that other project, all of which I can definitely do if I just stay off Facebook enough. I want to write books that people read, that stay with them, that they connect to and that once in a while say something that resonates. I want to be heard.
I want my children to be resilient and confident and independent, but I know that comes with age. I can’t rush it any faster than it’s coming. I want to chill out about their homework and find things to fill my cup instead of screeching about bedtime. I want to enjoy the wine but stop after two glasses because this is not my first or even my second rodeo.
I want to see new places in real life, not just on a screen.
I want to find my blue pen. Maybe I should buy some more blue pens.
I want to live and work in a space that is clean and warm and clutter-free. Ok, that last might be a bit too aspirational.
I want to read books that teach me new things about the world, and discuss the books and have conversations with friends in real life and online too because they each have their own energy and satisfaction quotient and both sorts of conversation are good.
I possibly want those boots that Facebook keeps advertising to me. They’re on sale.
I want to take a shower and go to bed early between freshly laundered sheets and fall asleep and have nobody, human or feline, disturb me, and stay completely unconscious until the next morning.
I want to go outside and take a deep breath and keep going. I can do that.